Love, Hate, Booze
by Jade8
Summary: dark thoughts from a male mind. r/r PLEASE!
1. love, hate.....

A/n: okay I want reviews on this, all kinds of reviews please! This was just a stream of consciousness and I want to know how it turned out so review.

  
  


Disclaimer: don't own them or the song sex and violence by STP

I used to love you now I don't care 

Now I turn around, you're everywhere 

So you can chew me up and spit me out 

You're just the little bitch I cared about 

She was the first thing in my life that I wanted, the first thing in my life which I wanted and was denied. I always got what I wanted, and so when I couldn't have her, I wanted her even more. She became my all consuming thought, my obsession, my love. I knew she never loved me, that she never would, but still I wanted her. They say love conquers all, but my love never conquered her. When I couldn't have her my love grew a second side, hate. I hated her Everyday her face was there, taunting, teasing never mine. I became jealous of everyone around her, any person who got even a second of her attention. I became possessive and I lost control. At first it scared her, but then it made her mad.

  
  


I know you can see me 

But you don't believe me 

I know that you're lonely 

Time will tell and time is hell 

She wouldn't talk to me, look at me nothing and I hated her even more for denying my love , and in a sick, twisted way I loved her. I wanted her to want me, love me, needed it. She didn't believe me when I proclaimed my love, was convinced that I was playing some sick twisted head game. I needed her and hated everything which prevented me from being with her. I hated time, for at some times going too slow and at other times too fast. Time without her was hell and time with her when she wasn't mine was hell.

  
  


No sex or violence 

No morbid silence 

Forever sleeping 

You won't stop breathing 

You hold me captive and it's not fair 

Progressed insanity is everywhere 

You need to love me but you kicked me out 

My head is wandering so knock me out 

I keep my head afloat I'm drowning in 

The muddy water pulls me down again 

I used to love me but I hate me now 

I'm just a little bitch I cared about 

Love and hate. Those were the only two emotions I came to know. She was the first thought and the last though I had each day. I was her prisoner and she wouldn't give me the key, didn't even know she had the key, wouldn't believe me when I said she had the key. She was at a point in her life when she needed someone, someone who wasn't her idiot ex, and there I was the perfect candidate and she just threw me to the curb like so much trash. Every time I thought I was free from the prison that was her, I got pulled right back in, it was a never ending struggle. She was the only thing in my life which I never got and it burns me to this day. And I shall love her and hate her until the day I die.


	2. ....booze

Disclaimer-don't own them or the songs Sin and Tumble in the Rough by Stone Temple Pilots

"Holy water clouds my thinking   
Sinking low now   
Keep on drinking   
Down you go, suffer long   
Down you go, sin make me strong"

I used to be strong. I was king of my world, now I'm nothing, nothing because I didn't have her. She became my holy grail, the unattainable. She clouded my vision until all I saw was her. I loved her and hated her all at once and that remained the way of things for years. I found solace in the arms of others, in my mind seeing her face, holding myself back lest I call out her name. I wanted to forget. Forget her, her smile, her eyes, the way she looked at me with a hate and loathing, and as if it wasn't evident that she was the only caring person I knew, concern. Imagine she hates me, but still worries. And so I forgot, each drink letting more an more slip out of my mind until she was just a blur, a fuzzy image in my peripheral vision. I hated what I became, and hated her for making me the way I was. I was suffering and so wished she was suffering as well. I wished her all the unhappiness in the world. I didn't care that, that wasn't the way to love someone. With alcohol I had lost all ability the think clearly. Love was hate, pleasure was pain, sin was my redemption.  
  
"You control me, soul you stole, mine   
Wishful thinking   
Six feet under   
  
Down you go, suffer long   
Down you go, sin make me strong   
  
Dead by dreaming, sleep you steal, mine   
Pools of cold sweat   
Hatred burns me   
  
Down you go, suffer long   
Down you go, sin make me strong"  
I forgot for awhile. A long while actually. Those days were days of drunken stupors, an alcohol induced haze. It couldn't last, nothing could keep her from my ming forever. She had my heart, my mind, my soul. She had me from the first time I laid eyes on her. It was wishful thinking ever imagine that I could have her, I knew I would be dead before that happened, and I hated her for it. I began to thrive on this hatred. It made me strong again, when for so long I had been weak. Once again I was king of my world, nothing was stronger than me, not even her. But then every night I would dream of her, waking up in a cold sweat, wishing for her to be next to me. I could present any front to the world, make a conscious effort to not think of her, but I couldn't control my dreams. She had stolen my heart and soul, now she had my sleep as well. I hated her all the more for it, a hate which at the same time was my sick, perverted love.  


"Sinking low now   
Keep on drinking   
  
Feel what were my eyes   
Sink into the holes in my eyes   
My sins have made me blind  
Sink into the holes in my eyes   
Still shackled to the shadow   
Still shackled to the shadow   
That followed you..."

When I gave up drinking, the price I paid for forgetfulness was sleep. And so once again I hit the bottle hard. The high position I had once again gained, slipped from my fingers but this time I didn't care. Nothing could rid me of, ever. I didn't care anymore. I was blind to what I was, blind to everything, she had stolen my vision. Slowly bit by bit, piece by piece she was tking me and would continue until there was nothing of me left. There was nothing I could do to stop her, nothing I would do. I slipped farther and farther from the world.   
"I can't eat 

I can't sleep 

I can't live 

I can't cry 

I can't die 

I can't walk 

I can't talk.."

She toook everything until there was only 3 things left. Love, hate,

.."Booze"  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
